


World On Fire

by masochistedgelord



Category: K (Anime)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings Realization, Heavy Angst, M/M, Masturbation, Self-Destruction, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-15 16:13:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13616955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/masochistedgelord/pseuds/masochistedgelord
Summary: And just like that, Chitose's weak grasp on the  world fell away, slipping through his fingers like the weightless ash from a charred out, empty corpse.





	World On Fire

**Author's Note:**

> FINALLY... this took me ages to finish, god it was a trip and a half (all chitose's fault ofc) but I hope I did these two some justice.

 

Chitose _loved_ her and he had messed up. He gave up. He let her go so, so easily when he shouldn’t have. 

That was why he’d promised himself never again. No more serious relationships. No more possibilities. No more what if’s. He wouldn’t fall again. He couldn’t.

But Chitose knew he’d messed up again. Big time. True, he was always messing up, this time however was way worse than his usual blunderings. 

Most people would assume it would be the other way around. Even if the words came straight from his mouth they would never believe it. There was just no possible way the devilishly handsome, lady killing playboy Chitose Yo would ever fall in love, let alone fall for his best and most closest friend, who was a _guy_ at that. 

It’s not like Chitose would ever admit something like that to anyone though. After all, he hadn’t even admitted it to himself. 

But it was getting increasingly harder to ignore the way his gut would randomly twist, the lingering question of why his mind would suddenly become an incomprehensible mess of static, around the one who Chitose admitted, had been the only person he could ever truly rely on. 

Dewa Masaomi.

The one who had always been there for him. No matter how disgusting Chitose acted or how stupid he was.

The worst part was, that in some deep dark corner of his mind Chitose knew _exactly_ what it was, but he wouldn’t allow himself to acknowledge it. He _couldn’t_. He was at war with himself in the worst way possible, more than he had been for quite a long time.

Memories of _her_ were surfacing, long nights of worry and missed phone calls haunted him if he even allowed himself to try and think like a normal human being for more than a second. And it was killing him. He didn’t want to think about any of it. He didn’t want to deal with any of it. The only time he would allow himself to let everything out was the day she’d died.

He was good at compartmentalizing. He had coping mechanisms after all. It was the whole reason he slept around and acted like a complete douche most of the time, the only thing he would be left with was numbing guilt. Nothing more. So he wouldn’t _have_ to deal with feeling, anything. He liked it that way for a reason. He didn’t deserve to be like everyone else, he knew that. 

Yet still this…

Coping mechanisms were not working anymore. Whatever he did, he couldn’t shake it. It was like the lid on the jar of emotions Chitose had closed tightly was being forced open more and more each day, allowing the overflowing contents to pollute his mind. 

He couldn’t handle it. 

He couldn’t handle the fact the only stable constant in his life was now causing him pain, making him feel things he had no control over. Things he shouldn’t be feeling at all, especially for a guy. 

Normally he would be drinking too much and spilling his guts to Dewa about his petty problems, taking silent solace in his friend’s blunt words that were always spoken with kind eyes and a degree of softness that only he could see.

Now Chitose was noticing just exactly how much his eyes wandered frantically in a crowd until they automatically settled on him. Now Chitose was beginning to dread Dewa’s very presence. Now he flinched at Dewa’s voice. Now he was always trying to find a reason not to be alone with him. 

Chitose knew Dewa was confused with the sudden attitude change towards him, but he didn’t question it or bring it up, and Chitose hated it. He felt so utterly helpless. 

He didn’t _want_ to push Dewa away but the only thing Chitose could do _was_ push him away. What he actually wanted was… too much for him to even think about. 

Even barely entertaining the idea of his own happiness was terrifying. So he wouldn’t. He would re-live the pain he’d felt before over and over again instead. It was a reminder really, he supposed bitterly. Maybe even a punishment. 

A loud laugh from Yata next to him brought him back to his surroundings. 

Homra was loud tonight. 

Everyone was chatting away, engaged with comfortable humorous conversations in the brightly lit bar. It was one of the rarer times where everyone had managed to get together at the same time. Usually they were too busy for lounging at the bar these days, with part-time jobs, looking for jobs and the like, since the slates had been destroyed.

Chitose’s head was pounding, he hadn’t even had one drink, what was the point he figured, if it wasn’t going to help anyway.

_The hell is their problem… They’re noisier than usual._

He wanted to go home.

He wanted to lay in bed and loath himself in peace, not be surrounded by people enjoying themselves. His friends… 

His friends who were all moving forward and doing things with their lives. 

Dewa shifted next to him on the sofa they were currently sitting on. Chitose tensed noticeably as he suddenly became hyper aware of Dewa’s every movement. Gritting his teeth, he continued to gaze around the bar trying and failing to ignore the way the sofa behind him sank back a little as Dewa leaned against it. 

Chitose jumped as though electrocuted when Dewa suddenly poked him in the shoulder. 

“What!?” He turned around angrily.

Surprise painted Dewa’s face as he took in Chitose’s suddenly hostile demeanour.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. Are... Are you okay?” He asked quietly. 

Something in Chitose tightened and he looked away. 

“Fine.” 

_Stop that._

“Really.” Familiar sarcasm. 

“Yeah.” 

“You haven’t drank anything.” Always observant. 

Chitose turned back to throw him a frown. “So?” 

“What, going sober or something? Good, it’s about damn time.” Dewa teased lightly. 

“Shut up.” Chitose’s cold tone had the faint smile disappearing from Dewa’s face. 

Chitose felt his stomach lurch at the sight and even though he hadn’t touched the alcohol, he wanted to be sick. He quickly snapped his head away from Dewa’s searching eyes only to see Anna staring right at him from across the room.  

The sofa leather moved beneath him again. 

“I just…” Chitose felt his throat dry up.

He could practically feel Dewa freeze next to him, not even daring to move lest Chitose change his mind about speaking to him. 

“I have a headache.” He muttered, eyes still glued to Anna.

Even though she had no powers now, Anna was still… Anna, and she still had insight that was not to be messed with. And Chitose didn’t want her to see through him. 

_Don’t look at me, dear princess. I’m too horrible a sight for your eyes._

Anna smiled at him gently and shook her head. 

Chitose shot up off the sofa and made his way towards the door. 

_I need to get out of here. I need a fucking cigarette. Preferably a few._

“Chitose!” Dewa was calling after him.

_Okay, maybe a whole box._

He pulled out a cigarette and stuck it in his mouth just as Dewa came outside after him.

“Chi-”

“Why are you following me... I just came out to smoke.” Chitose grouched. 

“Could have just smoked inside?” 

Chitose shrugged.

_You’re always there._

“Something’s wrong.” Dewa sighed.

_Get away from me._

Chitose lit his cigarette and vaguely wondered how he could kill himself with the lighter. 

“Nope.” He took a long drag. 

Dewa frowned at Chitose’s back. 

“Why are you-”

“What, do I have to tell you everything?!” Chitose turned and spat with pain flowering in his chest. 

_Why are you always the one I end up talking to!_

Dewa studied him for a moment before looking away. “No, you don’t. I’m sorry.” 

Chitose wanted to scream. He was making Dewa apologise for caring about him.

_No that’s not…_

Dewa was the only one who cared about him. Dewa was all he really had. True, he had Homra, but that was different.

“Why do you even still care?” Chitose whispered. He hadn’t meant to say it aloud. His felt his throat constrict slightly as the smoke from his cigarette was forced down. 

Dewa sighed again, slightly exasperated. “That’s a stupid question. Because unfortunately you’re my best friend, idiot.” 

Chitose exhaled shakily. “Maybe it’s time you find yourself a better friend.” The words were bitter in his mouth. He was saying things he didn’t ever want to say.

Dewa’s eyes widened. “What?” He asked incredulously.

“Yeah.” Chitose tossed his cigarette that had been reduced to a stub and lit another. 

_That finished too fast._

“I’m too much of an idiot right? You should just leave before I get you into serious trouble. Do something with your life.”

_Don’t leave me._

Chitose clenched a fist and dug his nails into his palm as though it could ward off such weak, unwanted thoughts. 

Dewa shook his head. “What are you even saying... If I did that you'd end up dead in a gutter in less than a day."

"Yup." Oh how he wanted it. 

Dewa walked forward and stood himself right in front of Chitose. "Are you sure you haven't been drinking?" He was standing close. Too close. Chitose felt his new cigarette slip from his shaking lips and fall to the ground as his head’s throbbing intensified. 

Dewa was staring right at him, concern and confusion evident in his eyes behind his glasses. “You’ve already gotten us into serious trouble and we both got out of it just fine, that doesn’t matter. Yeah you’re an idiot sometimes... most times...but-”

“Stop!” Chitose cut him off and stepped back unsteadily. 

“Just. Stop. Ma- Dewa...I can’t..I-” Chitose was shaking his head. He was seriously gonna vomit.

“Girl problems then.” Dewa mumbled but it did not go unheard. 

Chitose felt something inside him freeze and snap. A snarl of hurt mixed with some kind of righteous anger curled its way across his face as he grit his teeth.

_That’s all I’m capable of having isn’t it? That’s all you think of me, right?_

“Chitose…?” 

It was the worry in Dewa’s voice that did it. 

_That is all I am._

Chitose’s heart was in his throat as he bent forward and left the contents of his stomach on the floor. Dewa ran into the bar.

“Ye-ah, ha ha- Leave.” Chitose let out a broken chuckle in between gasps. He was shaking as he straightened up and Dewa burst through the door, back outside. 

“What are you d-doing, haha-”

Dewa thrust a glass of water towards him.

“Drink.” He said, expression stern.

Chitose looked from Dewa to the glass and stared at it as if it was poisoned.

“Take it and drink. Or I will throw it at you.” Dewa hissed.

Dewa rarely got angry. Irritated, yes but not angry. Chitose took the glass slowly. It was cold and he didn’t want to walk home in wet clothes. 

_Why is he mad?_

“Bossy.” He muttered.

Dewa narrowed his eyes, watching attentively as Chitose gulped the water down. 

“Masaomi.” Anna’s soft voice called as she stepped outside with worry on her face.

“It’s alright don’t worry, he’s fine...I think.” Dewa told her, taking the empty glass back.

Anna sighed and walked forward towards them. Chitose looked away and refused to meet her gaze.

“Yo, you’re destroying yourself inside.”

She reached out a small hand and Chitose flinched as she pressed it up to his chest. 

“In here will always hurt, but sometimes you have to hurt to heal.”

Chitose felt a hot prickling behind his eyes and he shut them tightly but not before catching the worry that spread across Dewa’s face yet again as he watched them. Chitose cursed himself silently as he opened his eyes and took Anna’s hand in his. 

“Anna it’s okay, sometimes people don’t get to heal.” He said softly. “Sometimes, it’s better if they don’t.”

Anna’s face fell. “But-” 

“Take her back in, Dewa.” 

Dewa nodded slowly and led Anna back inside, looking over his shoulder at Chitose quickly. Chitose looked down and smiled the smile of a broken man then turned to walk home with heavy steps. 

Stumbling through the mess of empty beer cans and takeout boxes strewn about the floor of his hole in the wall home that could barely be called a living space, he made his way to the dingy bathroom.

He stripped immediately, throwing his clothes into a pile in the corner and stepped into the shower. Throwing up always made him feel gross. Usually he welcomed it. The feeling that signified him having done a good job of wrecking himself up. But he knew this time it was for a different reason.

Chitose grimaced as he turned the cold tap on full blast and the freezing water hit his bare back. He leant forward, resting his forehead on the damp tiles in front of him and let the water run over him, allowing it to rob his feverish skin of warmth and feeling. 

Why did he have to feel? Why was this happening? The same why's made his head spin and anxiety crawled up his spine. He briefly wondered if he was going to throw up again before his brain sabotaged him with thoughts of Dewa's small smile, of his voice and the way his throat moved when he talked, in an attempt to calm him down. 

_Stop. Stop thinking!_

It was too late, because as thoughts of Dewa rose his stress and confusion levels, they simultaneously calmed him down at the same time. His brain instantly locking onto memories of being begrudgingly comforted, supported, by his presence and bringing more memories and unwanted thoughts flooding to the surface. 

_What is wrong with me?_

He had asked himself the same question almost a million times before but this time he stopped. 

_Wrong?_

It wasn't wrong, really. He didn't think there _was_ anything wrong with it actually. He had friends who were gay, it didn't bother him and why should it? Eric and Fujishima were happy as fuck together. Maybe it was just him. It never occured to Chitose that it could be him. That _he_ would ever feel like that, so maybe it was all these foreign thoughts that bothered him.

_I like girls... don't I..? I I've never felt anything for a guy before. But Dewa is-_

The fresh rush of emotion made him feel dizzy and he closed his eyes.

What really bothered him the most wasn’t even the fact that he was feeling things for a guy, more like the fact that he was _feeling_ things, at all. Again. 

Chitose lifted his head and let the icy water beat down on his face, but the memories wouldn’t stop.

Dewa calling out to him. Dewa lecturing him. Chitose swearing at him when he’d had too much to drink. 

Dewa shaking his head at the complete mess Chitose was, the disappointment stung and Chitose lashed out at him. Dewa still took him home and made sure he was safe. Chitose didn’t even apologise for how he acted sometimes and things would still go back to normal. Dewa would still be there.

Even now, after tonight Chitose knew he would only have to call, only have to run into him again at Homra and act normal and Dewa would smile at him, maybe whack him for being dumb but be relieved he was okay, though still he would not ask about anything Chitose didn’t bring up. 

Chitose knew. 

It was rare for people to see Chitose without Dewa, even rarer for them to see Dewa without Chitose. It had and would always be them. 

Dewa had said as much to Chitose, himself. 

~

_“You know, I’ll be here for you.” It was said so quietly, Chitose thought his drunken, lonely mind must have imagined it up._

_“HaH?” He frowned._

_Dewa sighed and pulled him to his feet._

_“But you gotta stop doing this.” He muttered, probably for the hundredth time._

_Chitose waved his hand around in front of him as though swatting at a fly. “Yeah, yeah, hm Dewa alwaysays tha-” He teetered on his feet unsteadily and Dewa reached for him instantly._

_“And you never listen.” Dewa said in annoyance as he slid his left arm under Chitose’s and helped him to support his weight._

_“Will you really be there?” Chitose murmured, resting his head on Dewa’s shoulder as he was half dragged along._

_His vision was getting blearier by the minute and he knew he was going to pass out, but he wanted to hear what Dewa would say._

_“Always.” Dewa said softly, voice disappearing into ringing silence._  

Into the harsh sound of the water hitting the tiles around him. 

_Why is it, no matter how much I push you away, you keep coming back? Why?! Why did you decide this all by yourself?!_

Everything was crumbling, all falling to pieces around him. Chitose’s legs felt as weak as the foundations that had barely been holding up in the first place.

He couldn't do this again. He _couldn't_. 

His head dropped and he opened his eyes, staring at the water swirling down the drain at his feet. The water temperature was finally effecting him, his neck and shoulders now completely numb as small shivers started travelling up his arms. His lungs were frozen beneath his ribs and it hurt to breathe. Each breath quickly turning into a sharp ragged sound that echoed around the bare walls. 

_Good. Suffer. You deserve to suffer._

His small shivers turned into full body shivers as he stood still, staring down listlessly, damp chestnut hair hanging over his forehead. 

_What would Dewa say if he could see you now, standing here shaking pathetically like this?_

A short self-deprecating laugh fell from his trembling lips. His brain seemed to be stalking down on the warpath proudly now, some part accepting that it was only pain he was going to feel and so resolving to intensify it instead. 

_And what would Dewa say if... He knew?_

Chitose's throat locked up, refusing to let him take anymore breaths, pressure building up in his chest painfully.

Dewa didn't have a problem with Fujishima and Eric either. Being confessed to by anyone, he would probably just be surprised. 

_But if he knew... If it was..._

It was picturing the disgust on Dewa's face that did it. A choked out noise escaping his throat against his will. 

It didn't matter what Chitose had done, Dewa never looked at him with disgust. 

Just imagining it hurt more than Chitose thought it ever could. He felt hollow. He needed to stop thinking round in circles. He needed to stop thinking about Dewa. He needed a distraction to fill the emptiness.

Maybe he was just pent up with all the stress lately. Frustrated probably. The last time he'd even had sex was a week and a half ago, which was a long time if you were Chitose. 

Trying not to think too much, his right hand made its way to his crotch. He let his eyes close again, brushing wet fingers along his length. 

A warm body to surrender to, soft skin on his...

Chitose's body responded quickly to his touch as he dredged up hazy memories of lust filled nights with his numerous one night stands. He gripped himself tightly, relishing the dim heat beginning to spread under his palm. 

_Just wanna feel good..._

His breathing evened out as he twisted his wrist and slid his hand along into a slow rhythm. His memories were starting to fizzle out into static and he tried desperately to hold onto them. 

_Short dark hair. Probably silky to the touch._

He frowned.  

_Gentle brown eyes._

His mind was wandering. 

He knew those eyes. But they looked different. They were judging him. A spark of heat shot up his spine under frozen skin.

Wandering further, his mind refused to obey him.

"You're so pathetic." 

His eyes flew open in panic to an empty bathroom. 

"I said, _pathetic_." Dewa looked down at him. 

Chitose opened his mouth to say something, but no form was given to any pointless words he had to offer.

" _Look at you._ " Dewa sneered. "Jerking off in the shower like this." 

Chitose's grip tightened against his will.

"You're still going too." Dewa laughed, a twisted sound that echoed around him. 

Chitose's free hand flew up to cover his mouth as his face contorted at the sickening pleasure blossoming through his lower half. 

"You're _filthy_." Dewa spat. 

A strangled noise made its way past Chitose's fingers as a dull ache rang out in his chest. 

"I only hang around with you to make myself look better." 

_That's not true! That's not true..._

But still Chitose couldn't stop. 

The disgust was back and Dewa curled his lip up as he stared down, looking unimpressed at the choked out sobs Chitose was trying to hold back. 

His pace quickened and he tugged on himself faster as hot water ran down his face and over his fingers, tasting salt on his tongue before he forced his blurry eyes closed. 

" _Yo_ , you're disgusting." Dewa's voice faded into the background of the ringing in his ears as he came hard into his hand, shuddering violently. 

Chitose stared down at the mess on his hand in mortified horror. He had just gotten himself off to thoughts of his best friend insulting him, talking down to him. 

_That did not just happen. It did not!_

His issues seemed to run a lot deeper than he realised. The short rush of pleasure didn’t help at all. Under the circumstances it had only made him feel a thousand times worse. 

_What…. Am I supposed to do?_

He sank down to the floor weakly, hopelessness overwhelming his soul and wrapped his slight, muscular arms around his knees tightly as he curled into himself under the shower spray, as if trying to keep from falling apart with numb fingers. 

He couldn’t fight it anymore. Fresh tears fell from his eyes as he cried and cried, messily, unrestrained and loud, until he gasped painfully for air. Until there was nothing left. Until he finally caught his breath and just sat in silence, a quivering wet mess on the floor.

It was a long time before Chitose managed to find enough strength to pull himself to his feet and rinse off properly. Under lukewarm water, mind blank as hee scrubbed at his skin, rubbed his face till it was red. 

He stepped out and towelled himself off shakily, movements slow and unsteady as though he were deep under water. 

A sharp ringtone cut through the dark fog that had settled on his brain. His phone was still in the pocket of his discarded jeans. 

_It’s probably Dewa._

No one else really called him anyway.

He was pulling it out of tangled up clothes before he even realised what he was doing. Not to answer it of course, he couldn’t bear the thought of hearing Dewa’s voice right now. Just… To make sure it _was_ Dewa. 

His phone stopped ringing in his hand. 

**2 Missed Calls from Masaomi 1 New Text**

Even Dewa didn’t know he was saved in Chitose’s phone under his first name. Seeing it on the notification made the back of Chitose’s eyes itch. He narrowed his gaze, he hadn’t even heard the other notifications. The fact that Dewa had been calling, while he was- 

Chitose swallowed thickly against the familiar nausea rising in his throat. 

He sneezed suddenly, his whole body tensing up painfully as he did. Pure exhaustion took root, spreading out through his muscles and he suddenly felt so, so tired. So spent. He couldn't go on like this, that much was clear.

"Fuck..." He muttered, miserably. Standing under that cold water for so long wouldn't be without consequence. 

Chitose could already feel it, the chill deep inside his bones as he dressed into comfortable, warm clothes as quickly as possible, the tingling in his nose as another sneeze threatened to appear. He winced as his clothes brushed against his sensitive skin, horribly aware of each thread against his body as he moved.

He tossed his phone on the bedside drawer in his room before falling onto the bed. It was messy and cold and his sheets probably needed washing but it was _his_ bed. 

_I just want to sleep. Need sleep..._

Chitose wrapped himself up in a cocoon with the blankets and almost cried like a baby again at how soft and comforting they felt around him. His eyelids were heavy and he didn't even try to resist the alluring pull of sleep.

Maybe Chitose should worry about how fast the room fell away into darkness around him, but he really couldn't care less. If he never woke up again, he'd be fine with that too. 

~

_“Dewa!”_

_It was a sullen faced, dark haired boy that was walking over, Chitose called out to._

_He had a small yellowish red mark on his chin and he held onto his school bag with purple knuckles._

_“What happened?!” Chitose exclaimed loudly. “Did your dad hit you again?”_

_Dewa frowned deeply and shoved Chitose in the chest, without any real bite._

_“Be quiet stupid, someone will hear!”_

_Chitose covered his mouth with both hands. “Sorry.” He whispered between his fingers with wide eyes._

_They were only kids._

_Dewa looked down in shame. “Yanari was saying things.”_

_“Yanari?”_

_A boy a few years older than them._

_“He said… Mean things about Chitose.” Dewa mumbled. Chitose blinked._

_Dewa looked back up at him. “So I punched him.” He declared._

_Chitose gaped. “But he’s bigger than you!”_

_“I know, that’s why he punched me back after.”_

_Chitose squinted at Dewa’s bruised chin. He had a funny feeling, that if Yanari was saying mean things about Dewa, he would have just ignored him._

_“But Dewa... That was dumb.”_

_Dewa turned away. “Even if you call me dumb, I’m still glad I did it.”_

_Chitose threw his arms around the forlorn young boy in front of him, because he wanted to comfort him and his mother’s hugs always made him feel better. Dewa yelped in surprise at the sudden affection._

_“Thank you, Dewa-chan!” Chitose shouted, making heads turn their way._

_No one had ever defended him before. He definitely wouldn’t have expected the quiet and often alone dark haired boy to be the first. He decided right then, he would always be Dewa’s bestest, best friend._

_Dewa pushed him off. “Shut up! A-And don’t call me that!” He ran off, blushing angrily. Chitose just laughed, childish and carefree as he ran after him._

_Yanari had to get sent for a change of clothes after a misfortune of somehow falling head first right into the toilet bowl, later that day. If anyone saw Chitose coming out of the toilets after him well, they never said anything._

_~_

_Everything was perfect._

Chitose chased the memory as it faded out and his senses returned in the wrong order. 

_No. I want to go back._

His head was swimming. A tangled mess of disconnected, feverish thoughts. 

_Why did I have to mess it all up? I want-_

He reached out for his phone limply, his whole body screaming protests at him with the small movement. 

**4 Missed Calls from Masaomi 4 New Texts**

_I’m sorry. I’m sorry I always make you worry._

Chitose throat was alight with acidity and he could barely move. His mind gave up on him and he fell back into a fitful sleep.

~

_Silence. Heat._

_It was too bright and then, nothing._

_Black. His room was black. A burnt out ruin. It was his fault. He couldn’t control the flames. It was supposed to be empty. He had nothing of value. Nothing stays. No one stays._

_A blackened body still lay on the floor._

_Dewa was there._

_It was all his fault._

_~_

Chitose’s eyes flew open and he sat up in a rush. His throat was numb. 

He realised he was screaming and he clutched at his chest. His heart was running a marathon and he forced himself to breathe, short stuttering breaths through his nose as he panted. 

There was no more Homra flame. 

He frantically searched for his phone. 

There were no more powers. 

_Where is it?!_

Like an after effect of his nightmare, everything felt too hot, like his body was burning up even though he was covered in cold sweat. He was definitely sick. He pulled his half open bedside drawer.

_Did it fall in here?_

His hand brushed against some painkillers. Since he didn’t have any medicine he should just have them instead. 

_They work fine for hangovers so they should work for fevers too right?_

He dry swallowed two of them and exhaled in relief when he saw his phone on the floor. He bent down to pick it up and his head swirled with the action. He hesitated, nightmare still fresh in his mind. 

Chitose couldn’t save Dewa from getting caught in his destruction. 

_I don’t need you. I don’t need you. I don’t need you! But I- I want…_

But he was still selfish.

**8 Missed Calls from Masaomi 6 New Texts**

Chitose acted like he didn’t, but he did care. He cared so, _so_ much. And it hurt. And Dewa was the only one that could see, except where it really was. Where it had been all along. 

_I care about you!_

Chitose could never say it. He would never be allowed to say it. Fate was too cruel to him. He didn’t deserve acceptance from Dewa anyway. Especially not after everything he’d already put him through. 

Chitose felt his heart twist in his chest as he put his phone down and rolled over back into his blanket nest. He should answer them. He knows. It’s a repeat of before. It started with the phone calls. His phone calls. 

He didn’t switch it off though and the phone rang again when he woke from another restless nap. He didn’t answer.

**9 Missed calls from Masaomi 6 New Texts**

_Is there any point in ignoring you anymore if it already hurts this much?_

And again. 

**10 Missed calls from Masaomi 6 New Texts**

It was late Monday morning when he woke up and checked his phone again. Chitose had somehow managed to literally sleep away the whole weekend after the vomiting at Homra/shower incident on Friday night. 

His fever didn’t feel so bad anymore but his whole body ached and he was sniffling. 

**10 Missed calls from Masaomi 7 New Texts**

Dewa had likely given up calling, knowing Chitose wouldn’t answer anyway. 

His finger hovered over his unread messages before he tapped the icon reluctantly. 

**Masaomi:** Hey. You just took off, text me when you get home. 

_Friday night..._

**Masaomi:** Will you answer your damn phone? 

**Masaomi:** I get it if you don’t want to talk or whatever can you just text me so I at least know you’re home?

**Masaomi:** Are you ignoring me on purpose you asshole? 

_These were on Saturday._

**Masaomi:** Okay seriously it’s Sunday. Where the fuck are you? 

**Masaomi:** I’m at Homra. Meet me there. 

Chitose felt guilt settle in his gut. 

**Masaomi:** I checked all your usual clubs and no one saw you there the entire weekend. I’m coming over. 

His eyes widened at the last message.

_That… Was sent half an hour ago._

He jumped as his phone chimed in his hand.

**New Text**

**Masaomi:** Don’t even think about not answering the door. 

Before Chitose could even acknowledge what he’d read there was a loud banging on his front door. He swallowed against the lump in his sore throat nervously. 

“Dewa.” He whispered hoarsely. 

There was a pause and then more banging. Chitose struggled to get out of his blankets, almost falling out of bed in the process. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t even a little bit scared. 

“...You look like death.” Dewa deadpanned after the initial relief that spread on his face when Chitose opened the door. 

“Thanks.” Chitose attempted a smile. But Dewa was not having it.

“ ‘Thanks’?! I have been so goddamn worried about you!” He walked forward and Chitose found himself stepping back.

“Sorry.” He said, lamely.

Dewa grabbed Chitose by the top of his shirt and pulled him down.

“I don’t want your apology!”

Chitose just stared in surprise, frozen beneath Dewa’s close, intense gaze. 

“Have you been shooting up dodgy shit again?” He demanded. 

“No!” Chitose yelled firmly. 

"Then what in the hell is going _on_ with you?!"

He had no answer for that question.

"Huh?! Tell me!" 

"I-" The single word felt as heavy on his tongue as it did for his semi-existent soul.

"You _what_?"  Dewa sounded so desperate.

"I don't-"

"Chitose!" 

"I DON'T KNOW!" Chitose exploded.

Dewa let him go and took a step back in shock. 

"I don't know." Chitose was shaking again. "I don't fucking know, Dewa..." Uncontrollably so.

"Just...Talk to me." Dewa's voice cracked and Chitose's chest ached.

"Talk?" Chitose's throat was ragged.

" _Please_."

He laughed nervously. “I-” He tried. He did. He had to give Dewa something. He wanted to. He wanted acceptance so bad it was palatable. 

“I can’t.” He covered his face with his hands. 

Dewa watched him intently. 

Chitose gathered up some scrap of courage, “I promised myself-” He tried again, but when he met Dewa’s eyes again he stopped. 

“Chitose, y-” Dewa spoke calmly. 

“No!” Chitose cut him off roughly. “I can’t let you get hurt anymore but I can’t hurt me anymore.”

“What...do you mean?” Dewa breathed, with eyes wide.

“I c-can’t have both.” Chitose shook his head, hair swinging side to side.

“Says who?” Dewa asked quietly, moving forward.

“It’s just, just how it has to be.” 

“I don’t understand.” Dewa said slowly. 

“Neither do I!” 

Dewa sighed in exasperation. 

“Fujishima and Eric.” Chitose blurted suddenly.

Dewa frowned. “What?” 

“It’s fine right? Y-You’re fine with it right?” 

_What am I doing.._

Dewa was wholly confused right now and Chitose couldn’t blame him. 

“As a couple?” Dewa asked tentatively after a moment. 

Chitose could feel the sweat rolling down his back and he clutched at his hair, face on fire. Realisation made its way across Dewa’s face and Chitose wished he really had died in his sleep.

“Oh.” He said after a moment and Chitose turned around and banged his already pounding head on the wall. 

“H-Hey! Stop that.” Dewa exclaimed.

Chitose groaned as he leant on the wall. 

Dewa looked down, the brim of his hat hiding his eyes. 

“That’s all? I thought you’d fallen in love again or something.” 

Chitose whirled around to face him so fast, Dewa jumped.  

“W-What?” 

Chitose stared at him, certain of how red his face was as his eyes dropped down to glance towards Dewa’s lips out of habit, against his will. 

_God. This is so embarrassing._

Chitose Yo did not get _embarrassed_. 

Dewa took his stunned silence and ran with it. “Oh...” He said again, though significantly more strained than the last one and Chitose really wished he’d stop saying that. 

“You’ve fallen for a guy.” Dewa didn’t look at him when he said it and Chitose inhaled sharply. Hearing it out loud in Dewa's voice had his erratic heartbeat stilling to a complete stop for a split second. 

Dewa’s voice was cold and short but he didn't sound disgusted. He didn't sound angry. He didn't sound happy or pleased, either. But something felt off. 

Dewa still wasn't looking at him. He was looking down. Away.

_No this is all wrong!_

“Dewa?" Chitose managed a weak croak.

Dewa didn't respond or move. Panic settled in Chitose's gut and creeped out all too fast, flooding every inch of his being the longer the silence between them stretched. 

_Why do you sound so-_

"Dewa, look at me." Chitose could feel his nerves shattering as he panicked. "L-Look at me..." He repeated desperately.

Dewa looked up and despairing hazel met sorrowful brown. 

_Hurt..._

Chitose's mouth hung open as confusion took hold of his organs in a vice grip. 

Dewa chuckled nervously, without humor. 

"It's not fair." He murmured miserably. 

"What?" Chitose's mind was refusing to work. He couldn't think right now. He couldn't _hope_.

"Who is it?" Dewa suddenly asked. "Huh?" Anger was furrowing his brow now and Chitose had never seen so many blatant emotions on Dewa in such a short span of time before. 

Chitose gulped, taken aback by the question. "U-Uh. Aha haha.." There was no way he was going to say it! "What difference does it make?" He asked instead, looking up at the ceiling to avoid Dewa's eyes. 

"So you're not... gonna do anything about it?"  Dewa asked uncertainly. 

Chitose couldn't help his eyes from shooting back to Dewa, like they were incurably magnetized to him. 

"I can't." The bitter words were out of Chitose's mouth before he could stop himself. 

Dewa's eyebrows disappeared under his hat and Chitose's hands flew to cover his mouth as he promptly turned around.

"I ah.. uhm.." He enunciated. 

_I'm a fucking idiot._

"Well Chitose Yo is definitely in love, stuttering like that." Dewa stated bluntly, behind him.

Chitose fought the smile that still attempted to crawl across his face at Dewa's usual tact, despite the situation.

_Fucking hell._

Chitose rolled his eyes at himself and took a deep breath.

_This is all very very bad. Bad. Bad. Bad_. 

He should never have let Dewa in. But Chitose knew deep down, that he would always let Dewa in. That he would keep letting him in. Because it was _Dewa_ and Chitose was weak. He probably always had been. That was why this was a big problem.

"Chitose..." Dewa's cautious voice came closer. "Why can't you?" 

Chitose chewed on his bottom lip. "Because... it's complicated." He whispered.

"Is he straight?" Dewa asked, and there it was again. That slight tinge of _something_ , in his voice. 

"I don't-I've never seen him with..." Chitose stopped and thought about it. Really thought about it. In all the time he'd known him, he'd never actually seen Dewa with- "Anyone." 

Chitose turned back around to face him. Dewa startled at his sudden serious gaze. 

"What- About all this, what about you?" Chitose practically whispered. 

"Huh?"

_I have to know at least._

“Are you.. gay?" 

Much to Chitose's surprise Dewa shrugged almost straight away. 

"...Probably." He answered, looking at his shoe as if it were the most interesting thing. 

Chitose stared at him. "You never said anything..." 

"Well I can't-" Dewa froze and snapped his head back up. 

All Chitose saw was fear. His own, mirrored back at him in Dewa's wide eyes. 

His mouth ran dry. Dewa chuckled awkwardly, a short stilted noise as he scratched at the back of his neck. Chitose clutched at his chest with his hands, trying to calm his hundred beats per minute. Surely, his ribs would be bruised with the force. 

_What..._

They stared at each other in terse, telling silence. 

"Chitose, who-" Dewa said after a moment, voice barely leaving his throat.

_It's not possible.. Is it?_

Chitose's was shaking all over again, and he realised that even if he could somehow make his voice work, he still wouldn't be able to tell him. 

_What if I'm wrong? What if he just hates me-_

Dewa sighed and took his hat off, frowning at the rim as he ran his fingers over it. 

Chitose couldn't help the faint skittering of warmth across his face. He hardly saw Dewa without his hat these days. He looked older, wiser. His dark hair sat slightly flat on his head because of the hat, the ends just below his ears curling up a little, endearingly so. 

"You're such a dense _idiot_." Dewa muttered in annoyance as he dropped his hat. 

He stepped forward and Chitose let his hands hang limply by his sides, scrunching his eyes shut thinking he was going to get slapped right in the face for sure.

Dewa grabbed his face with both hands instead, forcing Chitose to open his eyes and goosebumps to jump up to his face as he met Dewa's steady gaze. 

"A complete moron." Dewa reiterated and before Chitose could react, he was pulled down. 

Time froze and the world exploded in stark contrast around him as his mouth was caught roughly against Dewa's lips. Soft warmth emanated from their connection and spread like a wildfire, intensifying with each passing second until it was tearing through and setting Chitose's whole soul alight in a pleasurable, _healing_ burn. 

His hands rose slowly and he gripped Dewa's shoulders, pressing into the kiss with just as much yearning fervour. 

"For how long?" Chitose asked breathlessly when they finally separated. 

Dewa looked away, a hint of an embarrassed pink blush on his cheeks and paused for a moment as though unsure if he should say. "Since the beginning." He finally said, quietly.

" _The beginning_?!" 

Dewa shot him a sour look. "Hard to believe, huh?"

"It's just..." 

Chitose couldn't handle dealing with realising he was in love with Dewa for more than two seconds and Dewa had been _since the very beginning?!_

He almost crumbled to his knees out of sheer shame and sympathy for putting Dewa through way too _much_.  If their positions were reversed and Chitose was cursed to be in love with his best friend and watch on the sidelines as he destroyed himself over and over he would surely not be able to handle it for so _long_. 

His chest burned fiercely with newfound admiration for the one in front of him. For all the unwavering, patient perseverance throughout the years they had known each other.

" _Dewa..._ " His voice cracked and Dewa looked aghast that Chitose would freak out, run away. 

But it was the opposite. For the first time in a long time, Chitose wanted to stay. It was okay. It would be alright. Dewa had already done far more than enough for him.

Chitose slid his arms around Dewa's shoulders and pulled him close, hiding the way his eyes were watering in his shoulder. Now it was his turn. He wouldn’t let go again. Dewa gasped and cautiously lifted his own hands up, awkwardly hovering over Chitose's back for a second before he let himself return the embrace, holding on to him just as tightly.

It wouldn't be easy, this they both knew. Neither loved themselves, but they could love each other. Stick together, help each other. Till the edge of eternity. Till the whole world burnt down and they charred together. 

* * *

  _If you aren't even a little bit in love with your best friend, what is the point?_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank You for reading!   
> Please let me know what you thought~


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